Moments

As I cuddled my son in bed last night he asked me “will this be the last cuddle for awhile?” Broke my heart. 

I dropped groceries off for the last time to my folks. My husband will taking over this duty. As I stood 10 feet away from my Mom and Dad and chatted with them I held back tears. I don’t know when I can hug them again. Or if I will. 

I enter full back into the work force today. I do not know what it will look like for my family. Best case scenario I semi isolate myself to mitigate the spread to my family. They would be OK if they got this virus. But my husband is the connection to both our folks. I don’t want to risk it. Worst case scenario they or I move out. Yes – some of my colleagues have already made this extreme measure. They had to as their immediate loved ones are vulnerable. They became a nurse to serve others despite the risks. 

Families of so many health care workers are sacrificing as well. Families of the cleaners, kitchen staff, first responders, grocery, pharmacy and other essential services. All are doing what they can at the expense of the physical and mental health of themselves and their loved ones. To serve. 

Then I worry – how do I protect the people I see as a nurse? I will wash and  wash and do everything I can to not be a vector. But it is not a perfect system in a not so perfect world.  They are so very vulnerable. 

As I move forward in this unprecedented time , as a mom, wife , daughter and nurse, I hold onto courage in the face of vulnerability and the unknown. I stand in a place of gratitude. For where I live, the beauty that surrounds me and the people who care enough to make the change happen to ease the pain that is about to enfold. 

I believe there will be many pearls of wisdom from this time of unrest. Hold on – reach out – stay calm and stand unified. Together we will let this wash over – then find ourselves holding one another with the sun shining and the tides of grief and ebbs of love giving us the space to heal. 

Blessings to all and Prayers of love. 

You will not define me

Vulnerability

Should be a choice

My own time and place

Not coming in like a storm

Of insults and anger

Undermining my wellbeing

With his warped believe of power

To become a target

Of such hostility and lies

Throwing his own insecurities

At me, unexpected and undeserved

For he has no capacity to see through his ego of darkness

To witness the lack of compassion for another

Creates moral injury

A direct result

of an angry man

Lost in his construed reality

I have been caught in a net

Of another’s own sad story

But I am strong and resilient

I am true and intelligent

I will wrap that net around me like a cloak

Of shimmering greens and blues

I will stand true

To myself

As a nurse, as a person

I gain strength in adversity

Vulnerability defined on my terms

Moving forward

Make change

Advocate

Bring justice

For a wrong that will ultimately

Only leave shadows on

An angry man’s face